I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
