so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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