peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Randomize
