dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
