Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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