wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
