i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
