textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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