please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
