I wish I could punch you in the face.
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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