Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
