I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
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