its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
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she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
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Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize