she was so not down for the gang bang
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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