I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
