Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
