More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
