Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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