you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
