Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
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She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
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Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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