my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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