Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
