she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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