There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
