Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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