You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
