im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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