just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
