Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
