I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
