We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
