I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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