Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
