I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
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