It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
