tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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