Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
