Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Sorry about my life...
I pour the whiskey from now on
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
