I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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