And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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