fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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