I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
