Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
