There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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