I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
