I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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