I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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