You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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