He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
