he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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