I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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