Need sex. Gaining weight.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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