I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
