I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
