this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
